Contemplation of Life and Death

I’ve been having headaches a lot lately which leads me to a big fear – Cancer.

No, I don’t have cancer. Everyone just calm down.

But what the thought made me realize – I am not ready for my life to be over.

Y’all, this is a good thing. When we lost our son in 2018, I was devastated. I wanted nothing more than for my life to end. I wanted to die, but I wanted to die by NOT my own hand. I couldn’t do that to my family. I wanted something to end my life that was beyond my control.

But now,……now I am back to a point in my where in which I do not want my life to end. I want to be here. For my hubby. For my kiddos. My granddaughter. My parents and siblings. My family. My friends. I’d say it took a good four years for me to start wanting my life, but I finally have. It’s a good thing.

I was lying in bed one morning with yet another headache. My mind was reeling with what could be causing the headaches. I mean, I have one almost every day. As I was lying there, my mind drifted to cancer. And continued drifting to the place that says ‘I’m not ready to die.’ I then started contemplating life and death.

Reasons to live –

• my family
• my children
• my husband
• my friends
• to many things to finish
• to many things yet to do, to see, to try, etc

In essence, just to much of so much before I can leave this world.

Reasons to die –

• Is there ever really a reason to die that is really for us to decide?

As I sat in my bed contemplating reasons, I then started to consider suffering. And I came to the conclusions that I do not want suffering. When its’ my time to go, I want to go quickly. I don’t want to feel any pain. I don’t want to be in agony.

Now, here’s a debatable topic –

physician-assisted, care-giver assisted suicide.

As a Catholic woman, I don’t believe we (physician, care-giver, self, stranger, etc) have the right to take another’s life even with the ‘another’s’ consent. I am almost 100% certain I could never do such harm to another. Hell, I can’t even kill an animal. And yes, humans are far more superior over animals.

And yes, I just said that!

But honestly, as I sat in my bed that morning, I consider if it came to me suffering (read that again, it says IF) suffering that was, in fact, only going to end in death, taking my own life might become an option.

So, what would warrant such a decision?

• a terminal illness in which I would be heavily medicated, in extreme agony, or both.
• an accident of some sort that left me in a complete vegetative state. I honestly would not want to put this stress on anyone.

These are two very extreme cases, but they do happen. It happens more frequently than one may realize. I ponder what quality of life one would have under these circumstances.

On the other hand, it really gets one thinking outside of oneself, that’s for sure. I mean, a person suffering with a terminal illness or living in a vegetative state still has something to offer even if it doesn’t seem apparent to everyone. Their lives are still full of purpose.

Just a little food for thought…..

See y’all back here again soon.

Find your reason to smile & keep smiling
~ Shannon ~