When Someone We Love Dies
This is our son Darren. He went to Heaven not long after this photo was taken. He was only 17 years old. We weren’t ready for him to go, but nobody asked me!
These days, there isn’t a day that goes by in which I don’t think of him. It will be 5 years in May 2023, but time doesn’t matter. Losing him ripped by heart to pieces and I’ve had to learn how to live this life without him….something a mother shouldn’t have to do. No matter how many kids a mother has, there is always a spot reserved in her heart for each individual child to grow, to learn, to change into the man or woman that he or she will be and that spot only grows as the child grows. In my son’s case, he will be forever 17 and all my memories of him consume his spot. His spot will remain as is until I leave this world.
In the beginning, I couldn’t understand why he had to go. Honestly, I still don’t. I question and question. I come up with my own answers and these answers may change over time, but the fact remains, he is gone. And the why….well, the why is a conversation I will have with God, I guess, when my time comes.
But last night, as I was watching Yellowstone – Season 5, Episode 5, between Monica to Kayce – “Don’t quit your job. Your job isn’t why [our son] died. Buffalo isn’t why he died. He died because God needs him.”
Wam! It hit me like a ton of bricks! Yes, this is something I’ve thought about damn near every day since our son died. As mentioned, the ‘why’ of it burning a hole in my brain. Although, I’ve had this conversation is my head a million and one times, nothing makes it sink in the same way as hearing those words fall from someone else’s lips.
My son took his life. He made a choice. God is not at fault. I am not at fault. His brother is not at fault, contrary to what he may believe. And, yes, uhmhmmhmm, even his father is not at fault. Boy, I had to choke that out….not the father part or even the fault part, but something else altogether…..anywho! When someone we loves dies, we search for reason, some truth that we can blame the death on, but in all honesty, there really is nothing or anyone to blame. Is it quite simply as Monica said:
A person dies because God needs them.
As much as it hurts us when our someone dies, Heaven is a much more beautiful and peaceful place to be. And whatever suffering our someone was going through, it is OVER. No more suffering. No more pain. No more sadness.
At least, this is what I tell myself. Some days, I’m okay with these words….other days, I want to shove these words where the sun don’t shine.
I’ll tell you what, losing my Darren broke my heart, but I haven’t completely lost faith in humanity. I’m not sure how much I’ve learned through this loss, but I know he’s okay now and I guess I just have to be alright with that.
One day I will see him again.
As always, friends, thanks for reading.
See y’all back here tomorrow!
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