Random Musings of One Tired Momma

When we are young, everything seems to make perfect sense. Parents take care of us and we don’t struggle with the adulthood trials that seem to hit so hard at just the most imperfect time. A child’s view of the world is full of wonder and curiosity. For most children, their willingness to forgive and move forward happens in the space of mere seconds. One minute your little one is laughing and playing to your utter delight and in the very next, a meltdown can occur over a dropped crayon or something equally as silly. And, again, in the very next minute, all is well and it seems as though that breakdown never even took place.

Before we know it, our little ones have blossomed into grade-schoolers, teenagers, and then into full grown adults. We begin to look back over their life and see all of our mistakes as parents, all the ways we did some good, what we’ve taught them along the way and maybe, if you’re lucky, you will be able to see where they’ve taught you along the way.

As parents, there are a myriad of lessons we want to teach our children that hopefully will carry over into their adulthood. When two adults decide to start sharing a life together and to bring children into the union, the two have to work together to teach said child/ren the values, ethics, morals, and other life lessons that they themselves value. In doing so, hopefully the two can combine what they were taught in their own lives before deciding to become parents. Sometimes this can be hard in households that stay together, but even more so when the two part ways to raise their children in separate households.

And if that isn’t enough, life decides to throw you a curveball or even many curveballs. Nobody expects these. Nobody wants these. Nobody welcomes these.

I was nineteen when I became a mom the first time. Two years later, he and I had a second child. A year later, we were broke up and my children suffered from that moment to the present. About four years after he and I broke up, I dated someone for just a few short months. During this short union, he and I had a son. Eventually, I met my husband and we’ve since had our six children.

And none of this has been easy, not even a little bit. He helped me through two custody battles, neither one ending favorably for any of the three children involved. These custody battles lasted the whole time these three kids were growing up and affected them terribly, but it also began affecting my other children, as well. Child custody is a big hump in any parent’s life. But then, when the youngest child of my first relationship took his life…..well, that put a whole new strain on every one of us. He was eight months shy of 18 and when I say strain of losing him, I really mean…….gaping sized hole in the chest of each one of us and that still does not adequately describe how the loss has affected us on an individual level, let alone as a family.

I’ve never looked at my children to see different dads or half siblings….I simply see each of the children I carried in my womb for nine months and labored into this world. When I look at them, I see their similarities and differences in looks and personalities. I see all the love they’ve given and received. I see their tears, their joys, their heartbreaks, their laughter, their failures and their wins (in every sense of the word).

And through it all, I constantly ask myself:

Have I done enough? Have I loved enough? Have I cried enough? Have I laughed enough? Have I taught them enough? Have I prepared them enough? Have I been enough?

Sometimes, life hits hard. And, sometimes, we just don’t have the strength to hit back anymore.

So for all of you out there fighting your battles, please know you are not alone. It doesn’t change any of your battle, but just knowing you aren’t alone can sometimes help get your strength back.

Much love to you all. And as Dory says,

“Just keep swimming….”