My Eleventh Pregnancy Journey Part 1 – Pregnancy Confirmation & Miscarriage
Prior to getting two positive home pregnancy tests for our current pregnancy, my husband and I had five boys, four girls, and two previous miscarriages. We weren’t necessarily trying to have more babies, but we weren’t preventing pregnancy either. We are always willing to accept what God chooses to bless us with. In January, I found out I was pregnant.
However, I had began praying about a month prior for pregnancy with a set of red-headed twin girls. Yes, very specific, I know. But, in my defense, I have learned that God wants us to pray very specifically, unless we just don’t have the words to be specific with at which point we just pray from our hearts and God hears us. Honestly, though, He hears us no matter what. With that, when I found out I was pregnant, I knew God had answered my prayers. A week prior to the home test, I had began noticing the symptoms: tender breasts, tiredness all the time, and eventually, the morning sickness. Of course, my emotions began to fluctuate and my period did not come.
My feelings about the pregnancy were uncertainty. I mean, I had prayed for the pregnancy and I was happy, but overwhelmed at the same time. I’m 42 and our youngest will be six in August. I had gotten rid of everything baby and we were settling into a new routine of not having all the baby issues – diapers, late-night feedings, lack of sleep, etc. All of our children are potty-trained, in-school, and I could work outside the home to help with the financial concerns of a large family. I had gotten used to the idea that our youngest was our last and I was okay with that. When God answered my prayer, I wasn’t sure how to feel about it.
In February, I went to the doctor for doctor confirmation of pregnancy. I had gotten walk-in clinic confirmation so although the pregnancy was doctor confirmed, I decided to wait to schedule my first prenatal appointment. I knew what to expect as I had been through this a few times already. The plan was to schedule my first prenatal appointment in April. In two of my previous pregnancies, I had gestational diabetes which is tested for in about the 5th month of pregnancy. I wanted to make sure I started my prenatal care in time for that as I didn’t want to mess around with that controlling diabetes if I happened to get them during this pregnancy. From my own calculations and experiences, I was judging to be almost three months along.
From January until March 13, I wasn’t under any prenatal care. I was letting pregnancy proceed, eating what I could that wouldn’t make me sick, sleeping when needed, taking care of my children, and working. We had recently just told all the kids after waiting until the customary 12 week mark. The morning sickness had subsided so I thought it was safe to share the joyful news. My husband wasn’t quite ready — intuition maybe, but I felt comfortable and shared that with him. Against his better judgement, we shared the news. The kids were all so very excited. My boys were adamant that it was going to be a boy. A couple of my girls wanted another girl and a couple wanted a boy. But to help the children feel more involved in the pregnancy, my idea was for all of us to decide a boy name and a girl name. To name the baby, a name would be drawn from a hat (one for boys and one for girls). The boys refused to give a girl’s name as they only wanted a boy. So, I said okay. It became nightly ritual for the kids to rub my tummy before bed. We were all excited and the excitement began to show.
As I mentioned, the morning sickness had subsided, but the other symptoms remained. Around March 10th, I began to feel restlessness and lots of irritability. I was exhausted, but couldn’t seem to fall asleep until the wee hours of the morning. Of course, I’m not thinking about anything being wrong and wasn’t concerned. I just took it day by day. Every pregnancy is different. On March 11th, I had an egg-white looking discharge with a tinge of red. At this point, I became concerned. I mentioned it to my husband and told him my concerns. I knew something was happening, so I prayed. During pregnancy, I always wear a panty liner as leaks occur often. On March 12th, nothing out of the ordinary happened so my anxiety from the day before began to subside. On March 13th, my day started as normal. We got the kids off to school and I went to work. Toward the end of the work-day, I felt a gush of fluid so I went to the bathroom. My panty liner was completely saturated. I began to feel nervous again, but didn’t dwell on it. I finished my work day without anything else happening and got home in time for supper. I wasn’t feeling any pain or cramping and didn’t see any signs of blood. Shortly after supper, I felt another gush of fluid so again I went to the toilet. Sure enough, my panty-liner was completely saturated once again. I called my husband into the bathroom to show him and get his opinion. I still wasn’t cramping and there were no signs of blood. However, I thought the fluid may be amniotic fluid. I didn’t want to over-react so I began searching pregnancy leaks on the Internet. We talked about going into the ER, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to yet. I wasn’t totally convinced that something was wrong. He kept asking me if I wanted to go into the ER. This is around 7pm. I searched and fretted until around 8:30pm. After we got our girls into bed, I decided we should go to the ER. I’m pretty sure at his point what is happening, but I’m still praying and hoping I’m wrong.
I was hoping and praying nothing was wrong, but I’m pretty sure I knew already. However, I wanted confirmation. Although, I still wasn’t cramping, and still no signs of blood, but now there was slight discharge. At one point before we left, I checked myself and could feel the discharge inside my vagina. We arrived at the ER around 9pm. I explained why I was there and they checked me in, put me in an ER room and checked my vitals – all normal. Medical staff were in and out of my room, checking my vitals, inserting ports for IV’s, and someone drew three vials of blood. And then the wait began. A physicians’ assistant came in with a portable ultrasound machine and started a scan. My husband and the PA were watching the screen while the scan took place. I couldn’t see anything as the screen was turned away from me, but judging from the look of my husband and the PA, something on the screen was amiss. After the scan was complete, she informed me that it was unclear. After she left the room, my husband told me the same thing. They could see something on the screen, but it wasn’t clear.
After a bit the doctor came in and did the scan again, explaining to me that the previous scan wasn’t clear. He explained that he though the fluid that I had lost earlier was, in fact, amniotic fluid. He completed the scan and got the same results. Nothing was that clear so he ordered an ultrasound with an ultrasound tech. She showed up, wheeled me to the ultrasound room, but asked my husband to stay wait in the room we were in. In the ultrasound room, she scanned and measured with her machine, marking the important locations on the monitor. I was able to see the screen this time, at an odd angle and thought I saw a head. She wasn’t marking anything that was signify to me that the baby was there, such as head, liver, etc that is typically marked for parents to see, only letters that medical professionals understand. At one point she labeled something HEART, but I didn’t see movement that would signify actual heartbeat or life. She finished the abdominal scan and proceeded with an intravaginal exam. She completed that scan and wheeled me back to the room to my husband.
After a short wait, the doctor came back in to deliver the results. There was no movement and no heartbeat. I had miscarried. He told of his surprise that I wasn’t feeling any pain and there was no sign of blood, but said it would happen within the next 24-48 hours. He spoke of my options because at this point the baby inside me was not viable and infection became a concern. My options included (1) medicine to help complete the miscarriage, (2) but due to the point of where the pregnancy was (12 weeks gestation) he recommended a dilation and curretage (D & C). Absolutely not, I said. Again, he mentioned infection as a concern so after speaking with my regular clinic, they would be expecting a call from me the next morning. At around 1:00 a.m. we were released to go home. We would have to deliver the bad news to our children later that day.
I was restless and sad when we arrived home, but this was only the beginning. Stay tuned for the rest of my journey.
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