My son, Darren. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of his death. Sadly, he took his life.

I got on my computer at work this morning and before starting my day, I quickly looked through FB. The first thing on my newsfeed was a memory of my beautiful child. He was only 17. It was like a shockwave slammed into me. My mind instantly went back to that day….reliving it. All the sadness and anger shooting through every vein in my body. Some days it’s still hard to believe he is gone and although, it’s not at the forefront of my mind anymore, I still have days in which missing him is a heavy weight on my chest.

I have many mixed emotions on this day. I had a miscarriage just a week prior to this loss. His older brother’s birthday is on May 16. His cousin’s birthday (my niece who lived with me after he passed away, but has always been like a daughter to us) is on the same day my son passed away….May 17. And, of course, Mother’s Day is only a few days before this date every year. About 6 months after he passed away, we welcomed our first grandchild into the world. 2018 was a bittersweet year for my family.

And our life has not been the same since. I mean, we grow and learn. Everyone does. Every day is different than the last. Every month, every year……for everyone so change was not unexpected. However, the change that took place in our lives was learning how to live a life without him. This is a change everyone endures, living without a loved one after the loved one has passed.

But I wasn’t ready for it. SMH…..maybe none of ever really are.

As time goes on, he resides in my heart in that special place reserved just for him. We have learned to live without him. The tears don’t fall near as much as they did, but the loss has changed me, changed my view of the world around me. And it’s with me every day. Memories of him are with me every day.

I miss my son.