My Eleventh Pregnancy Journey Part 2 – Crazy Emotions

As I half sat and half laid on the ER gourney, I waited for the news from the Ultrasound scan, but I already knew the outcome. It was only a matter of time until it actually took place. When the doctor arrived to tell me that I was pregnant, but there was not a heartbeat so the pregnancy was now a miscarriage – just as I had feared – I sat in silence….willing the tears not to come until I was alone with my husband. He and I both sat quietly, listening to the doctor explain and tell me my options. As I mentioned previously, D & C was recommended, but I was adamantly against it.

Of course, this loss brought tears for both my husband and I. But it also brought anger.

I was so angry.

It brought appreciation for life, for every child stolen by miscarriage and killed by abortion.

But I was so angry.

Losing my baby brought lots of tears, for days afterward and any day in between. It brought tears all through the day. It didn’t matter what I was doing, where I was at, who I was with…..none of it mattered. When the emotions hit, the tears came.

It was a short ride home, but a long drive. As I mentioned, I was angry and on the drive home, I cursed that it was happening to me. I mean, I had prayed for this baby and God answered my prayer.

But then….then He took my baby away and I couldn’t understand why. I refused to even try to understand why. I let anger overcome me. I cursed and cried and cursed some more. I asked why and I blamed Him. I swore that I was going to get my tubes tied so I could never be pregnant again because no way in hell was I going through this again. You have to understand, this was my 3rd miscarriage and it was my hardest. Don’t get me wrong, all three were hard. The first was minimal because I must have been only 6 weeks along, but I cried and cried and cried. The second one was the year my son passed away, but earlier in the year. For some reason, that one didn’t seem to be as hard emotionally as the first. I was further along than the first so I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t as emotional about it. This last time, I actually held that tiny little being in the palm of my hand and it tore me to pieces.

And, of course, it didn’t only affect me. We chose to allow our children to see the baby in my palm. I am actually quite grateful that we were able to do this because I know that my children will always remember it and when abortion comes up from people around them, they will understand why abortion is so incredibly wrong. It’s been lots of sad moments over the last couple of months for them and for my husband and I.

One Sunday at Mass we were sitting in the pew, I looked over at my 10 year old and noticed she was crying. I asked her what was wrong. She shook her head and looked over at the pew next to us and said, “That’s supposed to be us. We were supposed to have our own baby.” In that pew next to us sat a mom with her little baby.

Oh my goodness! The most perfect mommy moment…..be still my beating heart. I wrapped my arms around my girl and pulled her close. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. “Oh my girl, we have to trust that God knows better than we do. And yes, this totally sucks, but God knows what He’s doing and our baby is so much better in the beautiful place he’s in now even though we really want him here with us.” And I just held her close.

Nothing can suffice in the moments such as these. We just love them where they are and try to be as comforting as possible.

It’s been a process, but we have grown stronger because of it.