Random Musings of One Tired Momma

Last night, I didn’t sleep well. I woke up in the night almost in tears with a not-so-good memory that I wish I could change. The memory has to do with being a first-time mother, no experience with children, and the only support system I had was ‘let them cry it out.’

When my oldest child was born, he was a colicky baby….very hard for a first-time mother with absolutely no baby experience. I didn’t babysit. I didn’t hold babies. I didn’t have anything to do with babies, but I had one a month after I turned 19. The moment he came into my life, I knew mothering was my calling. I fell in love with the tiny human, but inexperience and shitty advice didn’t do me any favors. As I said, he was colicky, so within the first few months, I was pulling my hair out. But I loved holding him and snuggling him and singing to him and watching him grow. His bouts of crying were driving me insane, though. My mother wasn’t around to go to for advice, and the people who were in my circle kept giving the advice of ‘let him cry it out.’ So, not knowing any better, that’s what I started doing.

The colic turned into anxiety in his first few years. And during his anxiety meltdowns, I was still being given the advice to ‘let him cry it out.’ I remember, when it came to naptime, he’d cry for an hour before falling asleep. I would sit outside his door, silently crying with him while telling him to take his nap. But, in hindsight, I can see just how stupid that advice was! And I only wish I could go back and make it right. To comfort him. To hold him in those anxious moments. To softly whisper in his ear how much I love him and tell him how much I will always be there for him. To nurture the trust that babies, toddlers give so freely. To nap with him.

I’ve had lots of practice and learned a lot since then. I’ve learn how to be a more attentive mother. I’ve learned how to truly give of myself without receiving anything in return. I am a much different mommy than I was 23 years ago. My heart has been through a tremendous amount of turmoil since becoming a mom at the age of 19. Death of a child. Miscarriages. Almost losing my own life after a miscarriage. Toxic co-parenting. My children’s broken hearts. Trials and triumphs all around. In my family, we’ve lived. We’ve loved. We’ve lost. And we have survived.

But, every once-in-awhile, those old memories sneak up on me…hence the fitful sleep last night. And then, in Mass this morning, the homily was about doing God’s will. While listening to the Responsorial Psalm, last nights’ memory resurfaced and my eyes started to water….tears silently rolled down my cheeks as the memory reared it’s ugly head. The memory brought shame and sadness, a sense of failure for myself – as a mother. I was not doing God’s will back then and I broke my child’s heart in these oh-so-young moments of his life by making him cry it out.

Yes, we live and learn. We grow. We improve. At least I like to believe that we do, that I have. But that memory haunts me. Every time it comes to mind, it brings shame and sadness all over again. I have to remind myself that, although I didn’t know much what I was doing then, I have grown….in being a mother to him as well as to my other children.

He’s 24 now with his own child, a fiance, two soon-to-be stepdaughters and he and his fiance are expecting their son come November. He’s a responsible young man, with trust issues and a no-nonsense attitude. He’s got a heart as big as Texas and loves with his whole heart. I am proud of the young man he is. I am proud to be his mom. I hope he has forgiven all my failures as a young mother and I hope he knows how much I really do love him.

Just remember – young, old, new and/or experienced – babies don’t come with an instruction manual and we do the best we can.

What are some of your own questionable mommy memories that haunt you?