Random Musings of One Tired Momma

If you’ve read any of my blog then you know I lost my 17 year old son almost six years ago. What you may not know is that during that summer, my 16 year old niece came to live with me, within about a month, actually. And then, later that summer, her younger brother and sister came to live with me.

But, the focus of this blog post will be the oldest, Haylie.

Now a little bit of history on Haylie’s family dynamic:

• Her parents have not been together since she was an infant.

• She doesn’t remember her real dad in person, but she does have contact with him via social media and maybe cell phone.

• She doesn’t have the best relationship with her mom.

• Besides me, she has also lived with my mother (for at least two years) and her ex-stepdad’s mother (for at least six months, possibly longer).

And, sidenote, she may be upset with me for posting this..

As I said, when she came to live with me, she was 16 years old. She moved from a town of approx. 330 people to a town of approx. 24,000 people. The school was much larger, more options for friends, classes, school activities, etc. She had better opportunities for employment and college if she chose. Her mother, my husband, Haylie, and I discussed the arrangement. Haylie would have to follow our rules, contribute to our household (chores, family time, etc). Hubby and I were more than happy for her to live with us. My kiddos enjoyed her presence just as much. My sister signed temporary guardianship to me as means for permission for me to do necessary things for my niece (school enrollment, doctor, drivers license, etc). My niece became like a daughter and sibling to all of us. To this day, she still calls hubby and I mom or dad. She speaks of my children as her brothers and sisters.

The summer went on, with mishaps here and there. Remember, during this time, I was also dealing with the loss of my son. We all were and it wasn’t easy, not even a little bit. But, this isn’t about the loss of my son.

Haylie was a welcome addition to our family. At first, we thought summer only, but then she wanted to get a job and attend school here. She didn’t want to go back to her mom’s. n the short time she had already been with us, she had flourished some. She was gaining needed weight that she had lost prior to coming to live with us. She was not doing well in the small town and it showed. As far as she was telling me and what I was noticing, she was happy.

Her mom began to notice as well. and before summer’s end, there was already so much drama happening between my sister, my niece and now, me. My sister was now mad at me because Haylie was living with me and much happier than she had been while living with her mom. To make matters worse, by this time, all three of my sister’s children were living with me. We loved having them with us, but it made my sister even angrier at me and her children. The nightmare began with losing my son and only compounded due to a mutually agreed upon decision initiated by my sister. It was the summer of hell – mixed with pain, joy, heartbreak and love. It was the summer of loss and growth. It was the summer consisting of emotions up and down the emotional spectrum.

Every decision made for my niece (by herself with my hubby’s and my guidance and what she wanted to accomplish) was more reason for my sister to be pissed. Haylie wanted a job, Haylie got a job. It angered her mother while also making her feel proud. We enrolled Haylie in school. She was mad about that. Haylie got her driver’s license. Her mother found some reason to be mad about that. Haylie was blossoming, This angered her mother. Haylie graduated and we had a graduation party for me. The graduation party was at my house and my sister was invited, but we barely spoke. When Haylie turned 18, she asked me to go with her for her first tattoo. Her mother was livid.

By this time, Haylie had been with us for two years. Her mom and I were barely on speaking terms. The previous two years had been a grueling, invasive nightmare. The loss of my son fucked me up bad. Fighting for my niece, protecting her against the ups and downs of her mother, took every last bit of sanity I had. But, I would, 100%, do it all for her again. Her last two years of high school, despite the chaos going on, helped her flourish. We offered love, security, steadfastness, trust, guidance, stability, support, discipline and a soft place to fall in the harder moments. We gave her a chance to grow, safely.

I look back at it now and I realize, these were bittersweet memories for her mom. Haylie succeeding was not what angered her mother. It angered her mother that she was succeeding under my care. As a mother myself, I’ve had to deal with my own shortcomings and it’s not an easy journey. I’ve done the party scene. I’ve fought for this and that, sometimes worth it and sometimes not. I’ve been the shitty parent. I’ve given up and clawed my way back from the recesses of hell. I’ve done a lot of self-reflecting, a lot of soul-searching and I’ve grown in more ways than one.

One time, in one of her raging moments, my sister told my niece that the only reason we let her live with us is so she could replace my son! I’ve often wondered what would possess a mother to tell her child such a thing! It was a blatant lie, full of cruelty and hurt (toward my niece, toward me) brought on by nothing more than jealousy. Jealousy is a cruel, soul-sucking enemy. It can ruin the best relationship between friends, siblings, spouses, parent/child, etc.

It has been almost six years since Haylie moved in with us, and three years since she graduated and moved out on her own. She chose a path that took her approx. 140 miles from me and 200 from her mom. However, she’s doing her thing. She has an apartment; she has guardianship of her brother; and she has a full-time job. She comes home to visit us periodically. Her relationship with her mother is still a rocky one.

Despite everything (or maybe because of it), we’ve been through with her, I would do it all over again. She didn’t replace my son. Nobody can ever do that. She didn’t fill a missing void. She was another good thing in my life. She became a daughter to me. She became a part of my inner circle. She gave us moments to grow: learning moments, worry moments, frustrated moments, impatient moments, ugly moments, beautiful moments, proud moments, tearful moments, fearful moments, and – most importantly – love moments.

She’s my friend. She’s my niece. She’s my daughter in my heart.

And I am thankful for every moment we’ve had with her.

This wasn’t exactly what I had planned for this blog post, but sometimes, the end product is better than the planned product. Happy reading, folks.

What are some of the family obstacles that you have faced? What impact did facing these obstacles have on you as a parent, sibling, aunt/uncle, spouse, daughter/son?

I hope to see your responses soon!