Am I Living Purposefully? Intentionally?

Lying in bed one morning, closer to wake than sleeping, my mind focused on intention….on purpose.

I have never been a person who lives daily with intention, with purpose. I’ve thrived on being different, on go-with-the-flow, possibly a little flighty, and on rebellion one could probably even say. I’ve gone through much of my life with the attitude ‘I don’t care what others think of me, I’m just gonna do me,’ but with inner fears of being unaccepted, alone, unloved and for real, uncomfortable in my own skin. I’ve fretted over not being ‘enough’, being judged, and constant doubt……about everything. I’ve taken words said to me in kindness and questioned the meaning behind them……questioned what was really meant. Trust has been – still is – a BIG issue for me.

But as I was lying in bed that morning, I really began to think of my decisions, my thoughts, my actions, my circumstances……..which then led to intention, purpose.

Am I living a purposeful life? Do I act, think, respond with intention? Do I carefully weigh my words, my actions or my responses in any of the situations I find (or get) myself in?

Before my son passed away, my family and I attended Mass pretty regularly. After he passed away, we still attended Mass for a short while, but then I decided or more accurately, I should say I started questioning God. You know, all the typical questions we ask when our faith is shaky at best and we are trying to so hard remain faithful, such as (1) why would go allow such a tragedy? (2) if God is real, why does He allow such suffering in the world? (3) why do children die? (4) where was God during all the trials my son faced? and the list just goes on. Remember, I started questioning faith and God. With these questions came doubt, anger and a tremendous amount of sadness. What happened then? Well, I’m sure you have figured it out! I stopped attending Mass. The devil got hold of my heart during that time and he was having a grand ole’ time with my misery.

And to make matters not much better, one day I was talking to a family member. This family member is a very faithful person so much so that I very strongly believe that NOTHING has ever shaken her faith. I can’t remember the exact conversation, but I can assure you, it wasn’t one of her finer moments. Now, just a reminder that I lost just lost my son not more than 2 months before…but honestly, I think it was much less – however, to be fair, my recognition of time during that first year (and probably since then), cannot be trusted. All my days were running together. Hell, they still do! Anyway, continuing on…….the conversation with this family member, was…..well, I could’ve unleashed the devil that day had I not walked away when I did. Again, I can’t remember the exact conversation, but it centered around attending Mass. The last thing I remember from the moment I walked away was, ‘You are just scandalizing your children by not attending Mass.’

Wait! What?!? Hmm…….

I’ll tell you, it took the urging of Ruth for me to stay silent and the strength of Samson for me to muster my feet to moving. I stood there for a minute with, probably, a look of disbelief on my face that quickly turned to icicles and then I turned to walk away. The look in my eyes could have frozen hell over. There ain’t nary a thing coulda been done for me to keep my mouth shut had I let myself respond! The Holy Ghost came all over me and told me I better go to my room and pray. And I sure did! Yall, I ain’t lying when I say I’m from the south! If you know, you know!

6That particular conversation has never been mentioned between us since, but, oh, I had plenty to say about it to a confidante. This was almost six years ago now. I have forgiven and this family member and I have gone head-to-head a few times more since.

Point here, though, is did I handle that particular ‘episode’ correctly? Have I handled any ‘episode’ since that one correctly? More importantly, and on point, with intention, with purpose?

I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. But, I will tell you what I DO know…….those were the absolute worst words to say to me in that moment. And, me walking away was the VERY best reaction I could’ve had in that moment. Because I know me. I know my mouth. I understood the anger and the pain I was feeling during that time. Let me tell you this, my reaction (as poor as some may consider it to be) was more because of who SHE is and less of who I was. I was raised to be respectful….not, conditionally respectful, but respectful just because. I’m from the south and if you’re from the south then you know what I mean.

Anywho, one of my ‘to better myself’ goals is to think, act, respond with more intention, with more purpose. I’m not a goal-setter, a schedule-follower, a planner of any kind and this particular change in perception definitely follows along those very lines, but, as with everything, I’m jumping in with both feet. I will either sink or swim. Either way, if you wouldn’t mind saying an extra prayer or two for me, I’d be most appreciative.

Do you live with intention? With purpose? I can’t wait to see your responses and here some of your stories!

As always, drop a line or two. Agree. Disagree. Heck, you can even be rude if you want. I may or may not get rude back! I’m on a mission to be more intentional, lol.