Random Musings of One Tired Momma

Hello again!

Yes, I know….it’s been for-ev-er! Alas, life happens.

Anywho……

I have begun writing my autobiography. And, as I was lying in bed tonight, a topic occurred to me! It’s quite frustrating that these thoughts occur when I am trying to sleep, but lest they be gone in the morning, here I sit at my computer, recording the thoughts before they leave my head to return who knows when, if even at all.

So, I was lying in bed and i thought of my husband, which yes, it is a very common theme for me….family – children, husband, in-laws, grandchildren, etc. I watched a movie tonight with said hubby – Water for Elephants. One of the main characters, Jacob said, ‘We had a lot of years though. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to give her everything I promised and boy, that was the life,’ speaking of his deceased wife.

And this thought led to seeing love through another’s eyes which then led to one of the most common quotes I see from mothers to daughter, ‘if I had only one wish it would be for you see to yourself through my eyes.’

You’ve heard it, right?!?

How poetic, right? Endearing. Romantic. Etc, etc. I mean, how could we possibly feel any less for our children! Yes, indeed, I wish my children could see themselves through my eyes……their beauty of heart, their tenacity and zest for life, their ability to forge through the trials they have faced and the more they will face. Their laughter that sounds like what you would imagine sunshine would sound like….bright and cheerful. Their strength of will when standing up for what they believe is right. How their minds work in a way that suits each one in their own personalities. Character. Integrity. Honesty. Their commitment to the ones they love. Each one has his/her own strengths, weaknesses, abilities, attitudes, etc that make them unique in their own right. Yes, my love for them…boundless, limitless, unconditional. If only they could see themselves through my eyes they would forever know how worthy, how enough they are.

But, this same sentiment apply to everyone. If only we could see ourselves through the eyes of those who love us.

I wonder what my children see when they look at me.

I wonder what my husband sees when he looks at me.

Does that make me self-focused? Does that make me self-aware? Does that make me conceited in some way?

I have spent a lifetime in an insecure state of mind? Am I enough? Enough of anything? Enough?

These are the hard days. The days in which the doubts come creeping in. The days in which I question myself as a wife….as a mother….as a human.

It’s a struggle not to succumb to these thoughts and let the doubt consume me.

Yep, it’s a struggle.

If you know………you know.