(Not) Random Musings of One Tired Momma

as parents, we worry about our children from their first breath until our last breath.

it just goes with the territory.

as a mother, I worried while my babies were still in-utero and I will worry until I’m six-feet under and possibly even then.

as a mother, I’ve had since birth bonding with them, getting to know them, loving them, correcting them, laughing with them, growing with them. I’ve wiped their butts, wiped their tears, cried with them, cried for them, laughed at their antics, spanked their butt’s, watched them fall and get back up. I’ve mended broken hearts, smoothed their angry outbursts. I’ve watched them grow in so many ways. I’ve watched them flounder and fly right again.

in my years as a mother, my family has endured so much and we’ve held tight to the bonds of love.

each of my children has brought measures upon measures of happiness to my heart.

each child brought his or her own chaos to my life…..chaos I would welcome a thousand times over.

for twenty-five years, my heart has lived on my sleeve. when we lost my second-born son six years ago, I was absolutely convinced my heart would never recover.

and every day since, my heart has been a steady beat of one anxious moment to the next….

I worry daily for my children. nightmares of them being hurt awaken me many a-night.

I’ve had multiple nightmares of my third-born child getting into a car accident. I’m not sure I put much stock in dreams/nightmares signifying something in the future, but I’ve lost a lot of sleep to scary nightmares concerning those I love.

today, it’s not a dream……my phone rings and it’s my third-born sons number so, of course, I answer.

‘hello….’

‘Get your ass to the hospital, D and B were in an accident! Go to Sanford! I’m on my way there!’

‘what? Who is this?’

‘his fucking dad!’

‘okay, I’m on my way’

now, his dad and I haven’t been together since I was pregnant with our son. our son is nineteen now and lives with his wife. his dad and I have not communicated since our son was old enough to move out.

today, I got the call that my son had been in an accident.

so, here I sit….at the hospital, by his bedside where he is sleeping, waiting for his wife to get out of surgery.

today, one of my nightmares came to life.

and I am so incredibly thankful that both of them survived. the cars hit on her side so she has more trauma, but both are still with us.

when I arrived and saw him, you can only imagine what it was like for me unless you’ve been through it, too.

all he kept saying was ‘I’m fine. Where’s B (his wife)?’

he cried for her. he kept asking after her. he wasn’t concerned with himself. he was concerned for her.

and I am so thankful I got to witness that love!

I didn’t get to see her right away…not until after her initial evaluation and x-ray/CT scans. I was finally able to see her before she went to surgery. the first thing she said, ‘how’s D? where is he? Is he okay?”

again, she put him before herself. she was in so much pain, but she was focused on how my son was doing.

again, i am thankful I got to witness those selfless words of love.

and I thank God that they both survived.

so, through all of this, I ask for prayers…..lots of prayers 🙏🙏🙏

as a mother who has already buried a child, it’s not something I can endure again. they will have to bury me, too.

thanks for reading