Because I Said So

The minivan was humming along toward Wednesday classes when my husband casually dropped a observation that’s been rattling around in my head ever since.

“You have a hard time saying no,” he said.

I glanced in the rearview mirror at our daughters, then back at the road. “Maybe I don’t know how to think like a parent.”

He continued, building his case the way only a spouse who’s watched you parent for years can. “When we were growing up, we were told no all the time.”

I nodded. We were. Constantly, actually.

Then came the part that stung a little, mostly because it might be true: “You don’t say no a lot because you put yourself in their shoes. You remember all the things you wanted to do but didn’t get to do.”

I sat with that for a moment. Is there truth in it? I honestly don’t know. But I also don’t know if there isn’t.

And that got me thinking about those three words that children universally despise but parents deploy like a trump card: Because I said so.

The Defense I Didn’t Know I Was Making

Looking back, I realize I’ve been defending my parenting decisions—to my kids, sure, but mostly to myself. Every “no” came with an internal trial: Would this have hurt me as a child? Is this the kind of restriction that frustrated me? Am I being the parent I wished I’d had, or the parent they actually need?

Somewhere along the way, I turned into my children’s defense attorney instead of their mother.

My husband, on the other hand, wields “because I said so” with the ease of someone who never questioned his right to use it. Not cruelly, not arbitrarily—just matter-of-factly. And you know what? The kids survive it just fine.

When I Stopped Needing Permission to Parent

Here’s what’s changed: I’ve finally outgrown the need to put myself in their shoes for every single decision.

I don’t need a defense anymore.

I don’t need to justify why bedtime is bedtime, or why we’re not buying that thing, or why the answer is simply no. Not because I’ve become authoritarian or stopped caring about their feelings, but because I’ve realized something fundamental: I am their mom.

That’s not a power trip. It’s a job description.

My job isn’t to be their peer who happens to have a credit card and a driver’s license. It’s not to ensure they never feel the disappointment I felt as a kid. My job is to raise them—which sometimes means being the wall they push against, the boundary they test, the “no” they don’t understand yet.

The Truth About “Because I Said So”

Does “because I said so” get overused? Absolutely. Can it be wielded as a conversation-ender that shuts down legitimate questions and dismisses real feelings? Of course.

But it can also be something else: a parent’s acknowledgment that not every decision needs to be a negotiation. That sometimes the reason is simply that I have more life experience, more information, or a better view of the bigger picture. That I’m not obligated to defend every parenting choice to a seven-year-old jury.

My kids don’t need me to explain everything. What they need is someone willing to be the adult—even when it’s uncomfortable, even when they’re mad, even when I remember exactly how it felt to be on the receiving end of that no.

Still Learning

I’m not saying I’ve mastered this. There are still times when I catch myself over-explaining, over-justifying, trying to soften every boundary with reasoning a child isn’t quite ready to process.

But more and more, I’m learning to trust my own judgment. To say no without the guilt. To understand that disappointing my kids occasionally isn’t failing them—it’s parenting them.

And yes, when needed, to pull out those three little words that require no explanation, no defense, and no apology:

Because I said so.

Because I’m their mom. And that’s reason enough.